The Round Table

The inner dialogue of Imposter Syndrome

“There’s so much noise, why would you make it noisier”

 “you don’t have anything new to say”

These are the two sentences that whirr around my head on repeat, berating any motivation I have to tackle a new podcast episode, write a blog post or even promote my art. The voice speaking them seems to have taken up firm residency over recent months. I like to think of the speaker drawing up a chair to the round table. A table gridlocked by a relentless debate.  The voice speaking isn’t exactly fresh, at the moment it’s just a sololist from a choir of voices I have carried internally since I was little. I suspect we all have different internal choirs. I know for a fact that we all have different volumes. I also know that not all of the voices we carry around are authentically our own. Some of them had been nurtured from the environments we have lived in. Sometimes these voices mimic people from long ago; a parent, a teacher a peer. They reflect the cultures we are immersed in. The illusion though, is that if you were to look at the members of the choir, seated at the round table like knights in a debate, they all look exactly the same. They all look like me, or in your case they all look like you. Brown long hair with silvery strands, brown eyes, plump limps and poor posture I always forget to correct. 

Perhaps it is my training and work as an art therapist or perhaps it’s just that common adage of hitting your mid 30’s and knowing yourself better, of getting tired of the same patterns and seeking ways to break them. Whatever the reason, I know that some of these ‘me’s’ and some of these voices are imposters. For example the critical one that doesn’t cut me a break, who picks at old shame and cringe-filled memories, the one that lacks self compassion. There is also the choir member that sings like a songbird that I am the most important person in the world, we can call her ego. There are many voices, waxing and waning in their domination. There is one voice though, the ‘me’ that speaks these two sentences that is a double imposter, because it is the voice of what most people call imposter syndrome.

This voice has been annoyingly consistent in recent months. The round table consultation seems to find new flame just when I think it is time to call it a day. Consequently I have grown a little wary and at least half desperate to make it shut-up. You see imposter syndrome doesn’t serve creativity well. It likes to pour water on that fire, so that its own flame can burn most strongly.

So here I am musing over what exactly I can do but also exactly where this voice comes from. Just to make things a little more complex, it’s not exactly like the voice of the imposter lies. The world is noisy to say the least. My sensitive heart feels battered by the relentless information pressed against me by the online space and the constant cycle of news that must be paid attention to, adverts appealing to my desires and insecurities and visually captivating entertainment or inspiration. Add to that the stimulation of a busy workplace and community spaces such as supermarkets and it’s not surprisingly that I, or anyone else begins to feel a little drowned out by noise.

I think this though is where we fall victim to the creative imposter, believing it’s finessed presentation so that beyond its opening line we begin to believe the subtext. For example it is a noisy world, but that is not reason to remain silent and subdue creation. By all means we should heed the opportunity to become intentional but not mute. Likewise, if we continue to unpick the other voice of my imposter syndrome, it is very likely what I say has been said before or is being said now, in hundreds of places around the world. Shared humanity is the reason much of philosophy has remained relevant over the tides of time. But that is not all that the voice yells, it prompts that if not new, it should not be shared. When indeed the opposite should be true, that wise words should be kept alive.

It turns out that imposter syndrome is best friends with ego. They switch secrets scribbled on scraps of paper under the table and whisper words of encouragement and conspiracy when heads are turned the other way. You may be sceptical reading this. Surely, imposter syndrome functions from a deficit model. It’s currency after all is the feeling of not feeling good enough.

“you don’t have anything new to say”

This thought for most of us is usually followed with thoughts along the lines of no-one cares, your rubbish at this, that was a fluke, people will see through you. I am certain you will be able to fill in a blank if I left one here. This self-deprecation is ego. Precisely because it separates you out as an individual, an individual that is special, even if that specialness is in the form of being the worst at something or a marauding fake at it. In modern western culture ego has replaced descriptors such as pompous or selfish, so we attribute it’s meaning to self importance. But ego is more directly linked to the concept of “self”. A complex concept probably beyond scope to describe accurately in my humble blog post. However gripping loosely the notion that ego has close relationship with imposter syndrome is helpful. It is helpful because taking the importance of yourself out the equation creates natural rhetoric at that round table.

“you don’t have anything new to say (that’s not been said before)”

Can be answered with “I don’t think I have to say anything new” and “I don’t need to be for everyone” and “my familiarity allows me to connect with others”.

Now we have established that Imposter syndrome is best friends with Ego, we notice that they are always eating at the round table. Eating the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacking relentlessly in-between, crumbs spraying everywhere. Imposter syndrome relishes a specific cuisine, a staple which is vulnerability. Vulnerability is something we all fundamentally struggle with, it is a treasure trove of a feeling, researched extensively by Brene Brown, who I highly recommend exploring.

The other cuisine on the table will also be well known to you. It is fear. Fear and vulnerability interweave. If the round table pauses it’s loud and persistent debate you will hear a familiar echo. The echo of fear. There are many fears we share collectively, although they are personally nuanced. Some such fears are rejection and failure. The two are closely married. Often those that experience a high or persistent presence of imposter syndrome have a longing to belong or high stakes when it comes to failing at what they are doing (such as a medical or life altering job). Some online articles also suggest that depression and anxiety can be co-morbid with imposter syndrome, each perhaps happily feeding the other. Each in its own way the flipside of self-awareness, insight, sensitivity and I would proposition creativity.

You will probably agree, if you have gotten this far in the blog post that imposter syndrome is loud, pervasive and can take the fun out of the things you long planned to be joyful. So how do we tackle imposter syndrome? Well the crux of it, may lack some eloquence but it is to ignore it and do the thing anyway. But let me take you through a little more detail with these 4 considerations:

Turn down the volume with insight

Whilst acute self awareness can feel like a curse, in this context it is going to help you. Building some insight into where your imposter syndrome comes from is going to help you lower it’s volume. Internal dialogue is loudest when it is regarded as the truth. Slow down and consider where exactly your concepts of failure and success come from and also where the particularity of your imposter syndrome comes from. Is it a societal conditioning?  the beliefs of your boss? Your best friend? Your parent? One way to begin this self enquiry is to mentally imagine a selection of people from around the world and from various demographics; do you imagine them struggling with the same type of imposter syndrome? If yes, then you can put it down to shared humanity and therefore give yourself the grace you would give someone else navigating this crazy world. If the answer is no, then your path of self exploration has commenced.

Learn to enjoy success in process and bite sizes

Sometimes imposter syndrome takes a tight grip on us because we are not accustomed to experiencing success and even at times happiness. Imposter syndrome can position us into a familiar place of skepticism, doubt and ultimately self protection. It is rather sad to think so many of us don’t enjoy the fullness of our success or process because we feel undeserving or fraudulent. You can begin training yourself to experience joy more deeply by re-marking your flags of success. Reducing things into “bite sizes” will means you get to take stock along the way and celebrate all the details of your journey and progress rather than heaping it into all one pile in the end. We all know that when we delay positively affirming ourselves we usually put it off altogether, always moving the goalpost and always looking ahead. Celebrating achievement or having gratitude for the journey makes things sustainable by contributing to fulfillment and resilience.

Reformat your expectation and take responsibility to care-take yourself.

This is a big one. The third thing that can come to your aide when dealing with imposter syndrome is your expectation of its presence. It’s one of the reasons I find the round table analogy helpful. Thinking of various aspects of myself, at various volumes discussing and squabbling normalizes this aspect of being human. It reminds me that there will be times when this internal experience is loud or dominant, particularly when I am stepping outside of my comfort zone, trying new things and stretching myself with goals and challenges. It also reminds me that, as aspects of my experiencing, I am responsible for how I manage and take care of myself. Imposter syndrome is really common and like most anxieties it communicates that we care about something. This is a good thing, can you imagine the world if no one cared? So;  have some self compassion when your imposter syndrome bubbles to the surface and have a think about what you can do to care for yourself. Perhaps you need extra encouragement, time to do things that balance out the uncertainty (things that give you mastery and confidence) or perhaps you need to reach out to a peer or mentor or just spend some time unwinding in nature and putting it all into perspective.

Be persistent

Just like most feeling states, that detached feeling of uneasiness and feeling like an imposter will ebb and flow. It is likely to rear its head when there are other stressors or you have an existing baseline of anxiety, vulnerability or pressure. Take note of any patterns when you get the feeling but also just allow it time to pass. Hence my advice to ignore it and do it anyway, it might sound crass but I do honestly feel that persistence can pay off in battling imposter syndrome and if your practicing points one to three, you will at the very least learn to enjoy the journey.